The theme has been centered around the idea of moving my everyday focus from me and my desires, and my goals, and my wants, and my dreams, and my skills, and my insecurities, and my… and my… and my… (it seems like the list of “my’s” could go on and on) to a focus that rest in God’s character, God’s nature, God’s history, God’s desires, God’s heart, basically moving my focus from my heart to God’s.
From May of 05 to September of 05 I had several major life transitions. Now each of these transitions are natural, needed, and good, but to have them all with in a span of 4 months was
a little hard to take. With in those few fast months I:
- Graduating collage (Praise God that is over!)
- “Lost” 98% of all my friends (I was glad to get rid of couple, but I really do miss Dorm Halo at 3am)
- Getting married (just a minor life change … SARCASM!)
- Moved across the country (18 hrs from Pearl’s family and 12 from mine)
- Started my first full time job (What am I doing again?)
- Learned a different culture (it may be the same country but where’s the sweet tea?)
These transitions where pretty major for me, but if you where to see me around work or the house you would have thought I was handling all of this change with ease (at least I think that’s what you’d see). But what was happening on my inside was a major identity crisis. The question of “who the heck am I” was screaming loud and clear. “Am I a college student? Or this weird thing called “an adult”?” “Do I still have ANY friends? Where did they all go?” “I now get to sleep with my girlfriend and not feel guilty after making out, but am I a good husband?” “Am I a bad son for leaving my family? Can I live with the guilt of not being near my elderly grandpa?” “Am I good at what I do for a living? What is it that I actually do again? Do I really want to do this? Forever?” “Just how different are the North and South? I’m fully southern, so do I look stupid when in public up here?”
These questions where the daily questions running through my mind; I’ve seen these guys hundreds of times, from hundreds of different angles, with hundreds of different faces. These questions are good and we all need to address them (they may look different but you get the point), but I fell in a trap of living in them.
So back to the theme that has been consistently whispering in my ear as of late, a whisper that is saying “Matt, you’re ok, you’re where I want you, you’re doing what I designed you for, quit fighting where you’re at, you are where you are because I’ve put you there, do something, don’t miss where I’ve got you, don’t stress so much about tomorrow or next year or next century that you miss your purpose for today, find my heart, find my character, don’t worry about how you will express it just find it, you have nothing to say unless you’ve got a hold of my heart, in finding my heart you’ll find yours.”
That’s it! The original identity questions are still in the back of my mind, I’ve found peace for the moment, but to find peace for life, to find direction of what I was originally designed for, I must know my designer, His intentions, His heart.
So what’s my focus, hopefully a little less of me and a little more of Him. A little less focused on my heart, and a little more searching for His, a little less worrying about my name and a little more of making more of his.
Jesus is record in John 5:30 to say “My judgment is just, because I carry out the will of the one who sent me, not my own will.”
May I put this is my own words?
“I know my life is lived right when I focus on the will of the one who made me and not my own”
God, move my focus from me to you, my searching’s from my heart to yours. May I find your heart, and in the process discover my own.
2 comments:
You write exactly what every 20's something person is thinking! Thanks so much for your fabulous blogs!
Emily Waisanen
Good post, I think a lot of us need to realize that.
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